Chupacabra vs. The Alamo – Friday, May 30, 7pm ET
Inglourious Basterds – Friday, May 30, 10pm, Sat. May 31, 1:30am ET
Goodnight for Justice – Saturday, May 31, 10am and 6pm ET
Grown Ups – Saturday, May 31, 12pm and 4pm, Sun. June 1, 12:30am ET
Jack and Jill – Saturday, May 31, 2pm ET
Goodnight for Justice 2: Measure of a Man – Saturday, May 31, 8pm ET
That’s My Boy – Saturday, May 31, 10pm, plus Sunday, June 1, 2:30am ET
Murder in My House – Sunday, June 1, 11am and 6pm ET
Eragon – Sunday, June 1, 1pm ET
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides – Sunday, June 1, 3pm ET
The cast: Brad Pitt, Diane Kruger, Eli Roth
The Showcase synopsis: “In Nazi-occupied France during World War II, a group of Jewish-American soldiers known as “The Basterds” are chosen specifically to spread fear throughout the Third Reich by killing Nazis.”
You have to admit, it’s kinda fun watching those dastardly Nazis get their butts handed to them six ways to Saturday. Buncha jerks!
The Basterds are at their most inglorious when lined according to height.
The cast: Adam Sandler, Salma Hayek, Kevin James
The Showcase synopsis: “After their high school basketball coach passes away, five good friends and former teammates reunite for a Fourth of July holiday weekend.”
My high school gym teacher made me play basketball for four straight years, and I hated every single excruciating moment of it. Were he to pass away, I’d feel sad, but not enough to dedicate a long weekend to his memory. So kudos to the guys in Grown Up: they’re better men than I am.
Let he who has never sported a 20-piece KFC bucket cast the first stone.
Jack and Jill
The cast: Adam Sandler, Katie Holmes, Al Pacino
The Showcase synopsis: “Family guy Jack Sadelstein prepares for the annual event he dreads: the Thanksgiving visit of his twin sister, the needy and passive-aggressive Jill.”
Listen: your pals here at Showcase aren’t delusional: we know this isn’t a great movie. Or even a good movie for that matter. It holds a 3% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, making it one of the most vilified flicks in recent history. But human beings are innately intrigued by things we find either incredibly amazing or unbelievably awful. It’s encoded in our RNA sequencing. So don’t even act like you won’t watch ever g-darn second of Jack and Jill. Because biology suggests otherwise.
Left to right: Adam Sandler, soul-crushed child, Adam Sandler.
Goodnight for Justice 2: Measure of a Man
The cast: Luke Perry, Cameron Bright, Stefanie von Pfetten
The Showcase synopsis: “Judge John Goodnight attempts to unveil the truth about the Spradling gang.”
That’s My Boy
The cast: Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg, Leighton Meester
The Showcase synopsis: “While in his teens, Donny fathered a son, Todd, and raised him as a single parent. Now, after not seeing each other for years, Todd’s world comes crashing down when Donny resurfaces just before his wedding.”
This film has a 20% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Which may not sound like much, but when you crunch the numbers, this makes it 6.6 times better than Jack and Jill. You can’t argue with math.
“Dad, I may have inadvertently just messed with the Zohan.”
Murder in My House
The cast: Barbara Niven, Gary Hudson, Daniel J. Travanti
The Showcase synopsis: “When Lauren and her father Stan, a retired prosecutor, move to Philadelphia to start a new life, they think they’ve found the perfect house in the perfect neighbourhood. But they soon realize nothing could be further from the truth.”
Not to be an armchair realtor, but agents should really be more transparent about selling homes that are, you know, all murdery and such. It’s just the professional thing to do – even if they bury the information in a passing comment. “The fixtures are in working order, these are the original oak hardwood floors, and a schoolteacher was once disemboweled in the pantry – now if you look over here…”
“Suck it, murder – you in MAH house!”