Hey, did you know the days have been getting shorter for nearly a week now? Crazy, right?! (I’ll, uh, show myself out. Here are some cool movies.)
Behemoth – Friday, June 28, 6pm ET
Arctic Blast – Friday, June 28, 8pm ET
Surrogates – Friday, June 28, 11:15pm, plus Saturday, June 29, 2:30am and 2pm ET
Ring of Fire Part 1 of 2 (MOW) – Saturday, June 29, 10am and 6pm ET
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans – Saturday, June 29, 12pm and 4pm, plus Sunday, June 30, 12:30am
Ring of Fire Part 2 of 2 (MOW) – Saturday, June 29, 8pm, plus Sunday, June 30, 10am ET
Wanted – Saturday, June 29, 10pm, plus Sunday, June 30, 2:30am ET
The Da Vinci Code – Sunday, June 30, 12pm ET
Angels & Demons – Sunday, June 30, 3pm ET
The cast: Bruce Willis, Radha Mitchell, Rosamund Pike
The Showcase synopsis: “Set in a futuristic world where humans live in isolation and interact through surrogate robots, a cop is forced to leave his home for the first time in years to investigate the murders of other surrogates.”
Dude, did you just read that description? Surrogates is like Avatar before Avatar (it was release three months earlier). And like The Matrix after The Matrix (it was, uh, released ten years later). Point being, I love sci-fi that messes with your head, and you can bet your French toast Surrogates does that like nobody’s bidness. Plus, how often do you get to see cops going up against a bunch of robots? Okay, well, besides I, Robot. But whatever – the androids in this movie are way hotter.
Her robo-spine was thicker until ‘Surrogate Cosmo’ broke out the ol’ PhotoShop.
Ring of Fire
The cast: Michael Vartan, Terry O’Quinn, Ian Tracey
The Showcase synopsis: “When an oil rig causes a volcanic eruption in a small town, it’s just the first in a trigger effect – called the Ring of Fire – that stretches across the globe. If these cataclysmic series of eruptions cannot be stopped, Earth will be swallowed whole.”
That’s right: parts 1 and 2 – back to flippin’ back, baby! It’s volcano fire versus Earth, and you know what? My money’s on the volcano fire. I feel like it’s due. Plus, Earth has had a pretty good run, all things considered. If we’re gonna go out, it may as well be with some End of Days-style razzle-dazzle. As ol’ Neil Young famously sang, “it’s better to go out with a lava-induced seismic bang than fade away.”
Perhaps these humans of varying sizes can be of assistance.
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
The cast: Michael Sheen, Bill Nighy, Rhona Mitra
The Showcase synopsis: “An origins story centered on the centuries-old feud between the race of aristocratic vampires and their onetime slaves, the Lycans.”
A haiku about this great film:
Rise of the Lycans
Stars Rhona Mitra who was
On ‘Party of Five’
Need I say more?
“I know something you don’t know. I am not left handed.”
The cast: Angelina Jolie, James McAvoy, Morgan Freeman
The Showcase synopsis: “A frustrated office worker learns he’s the son of a professional assassin, and that he shares his father’s superhuman killing abilities.”
My dad was a military paratrooper, master carpenter, and chess genius. And unlike the uber-cool father/son dynamic in this film, none of these abilities passed down to me. Why? Because genetics are a fickle b*tch, hombre.
The film that launched Angie’s unforgettable catchphrase: “Imma shoot you in the face!”
The Da Vinci Code
The cast: Tom Hanks, Jean Reno, Audrey Tautou, Alfred Molina
The Showcase synopsis: “A murder inside the Louvre and clues in Da Vinci paintings lead to the discovery of a religious mystery protected by a secret society for two thousand years – which could shake the foundations of Christianity.”
Spoiler alert: it’s the same as my ATM code: ‘1-2-3-4.’
Apologies to Audrey Tautou’s lower face: I needed to make room for the Mona Lisa.
Angels & Demons
The cast: Tom Hanks, Ewan McGregor, Ayelet Zurer
The Showcase synopsis: “Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon works to solve a murder and prevent a terrorist act against the Vatican.”
Ron Howard directed this taut nail-biter of a flick. The only thing that could have made it better? Some Ron Howard-style narration à la Arrested Development. An example:
ROBERT LANGDON: We have to reach the third church and stop Cardinal Guidera from being burned to death!
NARRATOR: Theyyyyy didn’t.
The angel on the left is all, “Robert, don’t eat the chocolate cake – think of your diet!” And the demon on the right is all, “Screw the diet, take a big bite!”