Weekend Movies: Awesomer By The Dozen

Oh yes, friends – TWELVE movies on Showcase this weekend. Call the Guinness folks, ‘cause this may be a record!


Loch Ness – Friday, July 26, 6pm ET

Shock to the System – Friday, July 26, 8pm ET

Inglourious Basterds – Friday, July 26, 10pm, plus Saturday, July 27, 1:30pm ET

Hellboy II: The Golden Army – Saturday, July 27, 11am ET

Fantastic Four – Saturday, July 27, 1:30pm, plus Sunday, July 28, 12:30am ET

X-Men: The Last Stand – Saturday, July 27, 3:30pm and 10pm, plus Sunday, July 28, 2:30am ET

Behemoth – Saturday, July 27, 6pm ET 

Tasmanian Devil (CANCON MOW) – Saturday, July 27, 8pm ET

Resident Evil: Extinction – Sunday, July 28, 10am and 2pm ET

Resident Evil: Afterlife – Sunday, July 28, 12pm and 4pm ET

Arctic Blast – Sunday, July 28, 6pm ET

Rambo – Sunday, July 28, 10pm ET


Shock to the System

The cast: Sebastian Spence, Michael Woods, Morgan Fairchild

The Showcase synopsis: “A private eye stumbles into the world of ‘gay conversion therapy’: a twisted mix of psychology and religion designed by a doctor to turn homosexuals ‘straight.’”


This flick was directed by Ron Oliver, my fave YTV host from a good twenty years ago (his wisecracking puppet sidekicks were no slouches either). It also stars Morgan Fairchild, a woman I was crushing on pretty hard around that same time period – you know, due to her role on Dynasty or Falcon Crest or Knot’s Landing or Dallas or whatever. Unforgettable. And when these two unlikely blasts from my past join forces, it’s pretty obvi things are gonna get REAL. The point here: don’t be shocked if Shock to the System is – perhaps shockingly – a real shock to your system.


Get an interrogation room, you two!


Inglorious Basterds

The cast: Brad Pitt, Christoph Waltz, Michael Fassbender

The Showcase synopsis: “In Nazi-occupied France, a group of Jewish-American soldiers known as ‘The Basterds’ are chosen specifically to spread fear throughout the Third Reich.”


I caught this flick in a Boston theatre circa 2009, and stormed out after a mere 30 minutes. Why – was it the violence? The profanity? The fact half the damn movie wasn’t even in English? Nope. Problem was, I’d accidentally taken a double dose of some medication that morning, prompting a legion of queasy-esque side effects to kick in just as those ubiquitous coming attractions hit the screen. Needless to say, I was none too happy. Fortunately, I caught the entire film a while later, and you can bet your Pokemon wallet I adored the living crap outta it.


It’s these guys versus Hitler. Suck it, Nazis!  


Hellboy II: The Golden Army

The cast: Ron Perlman, Selma Blair, Doug Jones

The Showcase synopsis: “The mythical world starts a rebellion against humanity in order to rule the Earth, so Hellboy and his team must save our planet from these rebellious creatures.”


Only after his Bar Mitzvah will he officially become Hell-MAN.

Somebody’s catching hell here, and it ain’t Selma Blair.   


Resident Evil: Extinction

The cast: Milla Jovovich, Oded Fehr, Mike Epps

The Showcase synopsis: “Survivors of the Raccoon City catastrophe travel across the Nevada desert, hoping to make it to Alaska. Alice joins the caravan and their fight against the evil Umbrella Corp.”


Don’t let the above description throw you off the scent: this movie is about KICKING ZOMBIE ASS! Sure, there’s a rich mythology, compelling characters, and innovative plot twists. But at the end of the day, those zombie asses ain’t gonna kick themselves. Which is where Resident Evil: Extinction comes into play. It’s like a one-man paddywhack machine for all things undead.


Left to right: Mr. Smith, Ms. Jovovich, Mr. Wesson.


Resident Evil: Afterlife

The cast: Milla Jovovich, Ali Larter, Kim Coates

The Showcase synopsis: “While still out to destroy the evil Umbrella Corporation, Alice joins a group of survivors who want to relocate to the mysterious but supposedly unharmed safe haven known only as Arcadia.”


Zombies be in this too, y’all. Yee-HAW!


“My arms are actually stuck like this – little help?”   



The Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Julie Benz

The Showcase synopsis: “In Thailand, John Rambo joins a group of mercenaries to venture into war-torn Burma and rescue Christian aid workers kidnapped by a ruthless local infantry unit.”


Since we’re reminiscing about my life from twenty years ago, it bears noting that like John Rambo in this fine flick, I too once traveled to Thailand. The year was 1993, and unlike Mr. Rambo, I never got around to teaming up with mercenaries in neighbouring Burma to do battle with military kidnappers. It was just one of those things you put on your travel list but somehow ends up in the ‘maybe’ column after a few too many nights drinking Singha beer by the pool. Woulda coulda shoulda, ya know?


Some would argue there isn’t much sport to point-blank archery. Rambo isn’t one of them.  

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